LATEST NEWS...MEGAN FOX - ABUSE VICTIM? Megan Fox has revived her career after being left out of the third 'Transformers' instalment - by playing an abuse victim in Eminem's latest video 'Love the Way You Lie' (also featuring Rihanna). Megan stars opposite Dominic Monaghan (of 'Lost') as the girlfriend of a white trash guy who beats up on his girlfriend then apologises and says he loves her. The clip is quite a confronting depiction of the cycle of abuse and some critics are already labelling Megan 'too much of a bad actress' to play such a serious role. Just see it before you judge people, that's all….ROBBIE WILLIAMS WEDS: Eternal Playboy Robbie Williams has finally tied the knot - after shagging a large proportion of the planet's females of course! Robbie, 36, married actress Ayda Field , 31, at his Beverly Hills home in an intimate ceremony in front of 75 guests. Ayda is a Turkish-American television actress who is best known for her role in the soap opera 'Days of Our Lives'. We're sure Robbie still has some shagging left in him….ACTORS DAUGHTER'S PORN AMBITIONS: Actor Lawrence Fishburne ('The Matrix') is kicking himself about his parenting skills after daughter Montana announced that she has 'always wanted to be a porn star.' Montana Fishburne celebrated her 18th birthday by entering the adult entertainment industry. Montana moved out of the family home to pursue her 'dream career' and did not tell her father about her aspirations until after the adult flick was already filmed. "Being in an adult film is not a big deal to me," Montana Fishburne, 18, told People Magazine. "It's something I always wanted to do. I have always been comfortable in my body and with my sexuality." And we thought Lindsay Lohan's parents had it tough….LILY ALLEN PREGNANT: Lily Allen has a new reason to smile - she's going to become a mum. Lily, 25, is pregnant to her boyfriend of one year, builder Sam Cooper. The news is especially good for the singer who suffered a miscarriage during her first pregnancy 2 ½ years ago. Lily is said to be happier than ever after she decided to stop dating celebrities and start seeing 'more down-to-earth blokes' - it certainly seems to have paid off! OK but that's nine months off Jager bombs, Lily….LOSER TRAINER'S LETHAL DIET PRODUCT: Jillian Michaels, the hardcore trainer from the Biggest Loser, is being slapped with a multi-million dollar lawsuit over her brand of detox supplement that allegedly 'might kill you.' An unnamed woman filed the lawsuit against Michaels claiming that her 'Triple Process Total Body Detox & Cleanse' diet supplement contains a 'potentially lethal combination of toxic ingredients.' According to the lawsuit, these ingredients include: Irish Moss Powder which "causes gastrointestinal ulcers" and is "so toxic that it is the gel commonly applied to aircraft wings to dissolve ice"; Bearberry - "known to cause nausea and vomiting"; Yarrow - "a toxic lawn weed that causes dermatitis"; and Chinese Rhubarb, "a harsh laxative and dangerous diuretic that can cause severe dehydration and irreversible liver damage." Stick to killing people in the gym, Jillian….JUSTIN BIEBER ON CSI: He can't sing, so who on earth thought he could act? For some reason, pretty-boy Justin Bieber has been given a guest role on crime show 'CSI' where he plays a foster kid in trouble with the law. It's a very strange casting indeed, since of course Bieber looks much more like a choir boy whose worst crime was to steal a stick of Hubba Bubba than someone 'CSI' would be investigating. Anyway, since when do 14-year-old girls even watch 'CSI'? Please stick to Disney, Justin….BRITNEY WON'T APPEAR ON GLEE: The 'Glee' stars will soon be rolling out an episode dedicated entirely to the music of Britney Spears but it has been confirmed that Spears herself will not be appearing on the show. Recently, Brit's pash buddy Madonna also declined to appear on her own 'Glee' episode. 'Glee' star Lea Michele was recently photographed filming the gym scene from 'Hit me baby one more time.' Should be a good episode, even without Britney….KIM KARDASHIAN IS SHALLOW: Geeks, nerds and fatties - you may as well give up on getting a date with Kim Kardashian. Kim has announced, "I only date sexy guys. As long as you're in shape and have a good body, I'm interested," the curvaceous reality star says. "I love to work out so I think that's why I have dated athletes in the past. I just like that look in a guy." Kim's sister Chloe is married to a star basketballer too - so you can give up on bedding one of the sisters also. Paris Hilton's BFF shallow? Who woulda thought….EMMA WATSON'S PIXIE CUT: Things have been a bit slow in la la land, so Emma Watson's new short hairdo has been hitting all the headlines. Yes, little Hermione Granger has grown up and now cut off her long, messy muggle hair. She now sports a short pixie crop. Rumours are going around that she has lost her exclusive contract as face of the Burberry fashion label - but it's not true - they still love Emma….
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MARK BILLINGHAM - In The Dark

Published 1 August by Sphere $32.99

Mark Billingham, author of the popular Tom Thorne detective series, has now written his first stand-alone thriller 'In The Dark', his most powerful novel yet.

As well as being a bestselling crime writer, Mark Billingham is also a stand-up comedian and has appeared on over thirty radio and TV shows and played in every comedy club in the UK. He's a regular performer and MC at London's world famous Comedy Store, where he waxes lyrical about animal husbandry and takes the piss out of people's shirts. To read about what crime writing and comedy have in common, read Mark's essay 'So this serial killer walks into a bar' below.

Mark Billingham was born and brought up in Birmingham. Having worked for some years as an actor and more recently as a TV writer and stand-up comedian his first crime novel was published in 2001. 'Sleepyhead' was an instant bestseller in the UK. It has been sold widely throughout the world and was published in the USA in the summer of 2002. Though still occasionally working as a stand-up comic, Mark mostly concentrates on writing the series of crime novels featuring London-based detective Tom Thorne. The second novel, 'Scaredy Cat' was published in July 2002 and was followed by 'Lazybones', 'The Burning Girl', 'Lifeless' and 'Buried'. The newest Tom Thorne novel 'Death Message' is available now. Mark lives in North London with his wife and two children.

So this serial killer walks into a bar...

The question I am asked most often in interviews is why a stand-up comic would want to write a novel so dark. Why should a gag merchant be so obsessed with death and matters even more disturbing? Why should somebody who spends his nights on stage trying to slay an audience and avoid dying, spend his days at the word processor making his characters do exactly those things...?

There are lots of reasons, none of which will be particularly surprising. What is surprising however, is that writing a dark and disturbing crime novel and performing stand-up comedy are not as different as one might suppose.

I am not the only reader who, in the books he reads, seeks something far removed from the world he inhabits. Thus, when I settle down with a book, comic-crime novels are pretty much as close as I come to a busman's holiday. The novels I read, though never completely without humour, lean far more towards the hardboiled and darkly disturbing. The word caper in the blurb is pretty much guaranteed to make me leave any book exactly where I found it. When it came to writing Sleepyhead, I was basically trying to keep it simple, and write the sort of book I would like to read. No surprise then that it didn't turn out to be a comedy crime novel.

This isn't to say that Sleepyhead is without humour - even if does come from the most surprising direction - or that I never tried my hand at a comic crime novel. Two years ago, at the same time that I was writing the beginning of what would eventually become Sleepyhead, I began what would hopefully be a funny crime novel set in my home town of Birmingham. When both books were about 3000 words long I sent them off to the only contact I had in publishing (a well-respected editor at a major house), along with a couple of agents. The response was unanimous. Forget the comedy. I think this was more a comment on the tastes of publishers than the comic content (or otherwise) of what I had written. I was told in no uncertain terms that comic crime scares the pants of most publishers. This is borne out by the dearth of big name writers in this field. Everyone always mentions Hiaasen, or possibly Evanovich and that's about it. The fact that in the UK, bar Ripley, Gutteridge and maybe Chris Brookmyre and Marc Blake, there is pretty much nobody selling any books in this sub genre, would seem to confirm that the advice I was being given was sound. That year, at Deansgate, there was a panel entitled "does humour hurt your sales figures?". That put the tin lid on it. Comedy and crime were not for me...

The subject matter of Sleepyhead and its recently completed follow-up could not be further removed from that which I trot out at the Comedy Store or Jongleurs. However, answering the frequently asked question that I began by quoting, has made me realise that the same techniques are required when writing crime fiction and performing stand-up comedy.

A strong opening is of course, crucial. That first gag has got to be a cracker if the crowd is to trust you and to relax into your material. Ditto the readers of your book. Most have not got time to give a novel the 'benefit of the doubt' or to 'persevere' if it doesn't grab them straight away. If the audience/reader is to be engaged, it needs to be done pretty bloody quickly. Whether in a sweaty, smoky club or nestled in a favourite armchair, good money has been paid and the attention has got to be grabbed by the scruff of the neck if you are not to be heckled off the stage or find your novel discarded in favour of the latest Alan Titchmarsh opus. The same applies to the climax of your act/novel. The big finish is all important. Whether your loose ends are to be tied up or left dangling, whether you leave the audience on a shaggy dog story or a song, a bang is always preferable to a whimper...

To read more, visit www.markbillingham.com

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