LATEST NEWS…SHARON VS DANNII ROUND TWO: Outspoken former X-Factor judge Sharon Osbourne has launched another scathing attack on her X-Factor co-star, the untalented Minogue sister (no need to elaborate). Mrs Osbourne previously said Dannii was only chosen as a judge because the show's creator Simon Cowell wanted to sleep with her. This time Sharon called Danni "f*cking useless." "She wasn't so much a dim bulb as a bulb in a power cut," Shaz added." You have to hand it to Sharon - she calls a spade a spade….NAOMI STRIKES AGAIN: Our favourite supermodel with anger management issues, Naomi Campbell, allegedly punched out a taxi driver in New York late last month. The driver claims the out-of-control model flew into a rage and began hitting him from the back seat leaving him with a black eye. He alleged that Naomi jumped from the vehicle and ran from the scene after he stopped the car to contact police. Taxi drivers all over New York now have a fear much greater than late-night knife muggings - God help them…WINO BACK WITH EX: Amy Winehouse has reunited with her druggie ex Blake Fielder-Civil. The pair were spotted pashing outside a London restaurant. The couple decided to reconcile their train-wreck relationship after Blake left her for another woman last year. Despite Blake making K-Fed look like the catch of the century, Wino probably hasn't been sober since she met him anyway. Well someone needs to fill Whitney and Bobby's shoes….TIGER'S GOT BALLS: Golf balls that is. Tiger Woods has resumed training and sources close to the family say the disgraced golfer will return to golf at the Tavistock Cup tournament on March 22. Meanwhile there has been no sign of the player's wronged wife Elin, although reports say she visited the man-whore - err sorry, her husband - in sex rehab. He probably should return to work since buying his wife's silence obviously comes at a very high price…LIFE IMITATES ART FOR TV STAR: 'Two and a Half Men' star John Cryer, who plays Charlie's super annoying brother Allen, isn't just hated by his onscreen ex wife. The whiny actor allegedly had a hit taken out on him by his actual ex wife (the aptly named) Sarah Trigger. A US court alleged that Trigger wanted to have the actor bumped off because he no longer agreed pay his $10 000-a-month child support for their two kids. Meanwhile his onscreen brother Charlie Sheen is in rehab after threatening his wife with a pocket knife. On the plus-side, there's enough drama in their lives to inspire a whole new series of 'Men'…UNDERBELLY - ANOTHER CONTROVERSY: It just wouldn't be Underbelly without controversy. The new series 'Underbelly: The Golden Years' about the Kings Cross underworld is again embroiled in controversy as a former Kings Cross police officer depicted in the show sues for defamation. The former officer, Wendy Gaye Hatfield, has demanded that the Supreme Court allow her to preview episodes before they go to air to ensure she has not been defamed. Hatfield believes that the plot suggests she had a sexual relationship with a notorious Kings Cross nightclub owner and was promoted in the NSW police force by providing sexual favours. While it all sounds juicy, Hatfield will try to stop parts of the show that paint her in a bad light from going to air. She probably doesn't realise she can cash in on the controversy just like Roberta Williams….MR HEIDI MONTAG IN HOSPITAL: Mrs plastic fantastic Heidi Montag's less famous other half, Spencer Pratt, was recently hospitalised needing stitches in his tongue. The injury to his tongue occurred in a bizarre incident where he implicated his new pet dog after he bit his own tongue leaving him unable to talk for several days. Unable to accept responsibility for being a clumsy fool, he blamed his poor (more intelligent) Pomeranian for his stupidity. Given the mindless rubbish that comes out of The Hills star's mouth, here's hoping he bites his tongue more often….JOHN HELPS JESS GET GUYS: John Mayer's recent comments about Jessica Simpson's talents as a lover are helping the blonde singer pull men. In an Oprah interview early this month, Jess said her phone had been ringing off the hook since John described her as "sexual napalm" to US Playboy. Meanwhile, no females will touch John Mayer with a ten foot pole after he described his junk as a 'white supremacist' and basically bagged all of his former girlfriends in the highest selling men's magazine in the world. Perhaps John also needs to have a freak accident involving Spencer Pratt's dog?...CHERYL COLE DUMPS HUSBAND: Another day, another sports star cheats on his wife. This time it's British soccer player Ashley Cole who has cheated on UK glamour girl and former Girls Aloud singer Cheryl Cole. The 26-year-old glamour found Shane Warne-style text messages on her husband's phone and after countless other infidelities on his part, finally decided to leave his ass. Cheryl is busy promoting her solo album '3 Words' which has been given rave reviews, so she probably isn't wasting much time crying over it. For the last time girls, do not date rockers, sports men or actors - unless you are totally against monogamy….
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MARK BILLINGHAM - In The Dark

Published 1 August by Sphere $32.99

Mark Billingham, author of the popular Tom Thorne detective series, has now written his first stand-alone thriller 'In The Dark', his most powerful novel yet.

As well as being a bestselling crime writer, Mark Billingham is also a stand-up comedian and has appeared on over thirty radio and TV shows and played in every comedy club in the UK. He's a regular performer and MC at London's world famous Comedy Store, where he waxes lyrical about animal husbandry and takes the piss out of people's shirts. To read about what crime writing and comedy have in common, read Mark's essay 'So this serial killer walks into a bar' below.

Mark Billingham was born and brought up in Birmingham. Having worked for some years as an actor and more recently as a TV writer and stand-up comedian his first crime novel was published in 2001. 'Sleepyhead' was an instant bestseller in the UK. It has been sold widely throughout the world and was published in the USA in the summer of 2002. Though still occasionally working as a stand-up comic, Mark mostly concentrates on writing the series of crime novels featuring London-based detective Tom Thorne. The second novel, 'Scaredy Cat' was published in July 2002 and was followed by 'Lazybones', 'The Burning Girl', 'Lifeless' and 'Buried'. The newest Tom Thorne novel 'Death Message' is available now. Mark lives in North London with his wife and two children.

So this serial killer walks into a bar...

The question I am asked most often in interviews is why a stand-up comic would want to write a novel so dark. Why should a gag merchant be so obsessed with death and matters even more disturbing? Why should somebody who spends his nights on stage trying to slay an audience and avoid dying, spend his days at the word processor making his characters do exactly those things...?

There are lots of reasons, none of which will be particularly surprising. What is surprising however, is that writing a dark and disturbing crime novel and performing stand-up comedy are not as different as one might suppose.

I am not the only reader who, in the books he reads, seeks something far removed from the world he inhabits. Thus, when I settle down with a book, comic-crime novels are pretty much as close as I come to a busman's holiday. The novels I read, though never completely without humour, lean far more towards the hardboiled and darkly disturbing. The word caper in the blurb is pretty much guaranteed to make me leave any book exactly where I found it. When it came to writing Sleepyhead, I was basically trying to keep it simple, and write the sort of book I would like to read. No surprise then that it didn't turn out to be a comedy crime novel.

This isn't to say that Sleepyhead is without humour - even if does come from the most surprising direction - or that I never tried my hand at a comic crime novel. Two years ago, at the same time that I was writing the beginning of what would eventually become Sleepyhead, I began what would hopefully be a funny crime novel set in my home town of Birmingham. When both books were about 3000 words long I sent them off to the only contact I had in publishing (a well-respected editor at a major house), along with a couple of agents. The response was unanimous. Forget the comedy. I think this was more a comment on the tastes of publishers than the comic content (or otherwise) of what I had written. I was told in no uncertain terms that comic crime scares the pants of most publishers. This is borne out by the dearth of big name writers in this field. Everyone always mentions Hiaasen, or possibly Evanovich and that's about it. The fact that in the UK, bar Ripley, Gutteridge and maybe Chris Brookmyre and Marc Blake, there is pretty much nobody selling any books in this sub genre, would seem to confirm that the advice I was being given was sound. That year, at Deansgate, there was a panel entitled "does humour hurt your sales figures?". That put the tin lid on it. Comedy and crime were not for me...

The subject matter of Sleepyhead and its recently completed follow-up could not be further removed from that which I trot out at the Comedy Store or Jongleurs. However, answering the frequently asked question that I began by quoting, has made me realise that the same techniques are required when writing crime fiction and performing stand-up comedy.

A strong opening is of course, crucial. That first gag has got to be a cracker if the crowd is to trust you and to relax into your material. Ditto the readers of your book. Most have not got time to give a novel the 'benefit of the doubt' or to 'persevere' if it doesn't grab them straight away. If the audience/reader is to be engaged, it needs to be done pretty bloody quickly. Whether in a sweaty, smoky club or nestled in a favourite armchair, good money has been paid and the attention has got to be grabbed by the scruff of the neck if you are not to be heckled off the stage or find your novel discarded in favour of the latest Alan Titchmarsh opus. The same applies to the climax of your act/novel. The big finish is all important. Whether your loose ends are to be tied up or left dangling, whether you leave the audience on a shaggy dog story or a song, a bang is always preferable to a whimper...

To read more, visit www.markbillingham.com

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