And now for the introduction…
Change. It's a hard concept to grasp and most of us find
it extremely difficult to cope with - especially when it comes to relationships.
As Benjamin Disraeli famously put it, "Change is inevitable, change
is constant," - yet it really stuffs us up! Or is it just me?
I was always the single one. You know how in your group
of friends, there is always the one who cannot be single and needs to
have a guy in her life to give her validation, even though he is a complete
tosser? Then there's the cool couple who have been together forever
and just sweep in and out and make relationships look so easy. Well,
then there was me. The one who, no matter what, was always single. Whenever
a date did come along though, things would look really great for the
first week or so, and then they would just end up really screwed up
or emotionally unavailable.
I became known as the 'bitter one' by the end of it all
because of all the bad dates I had been on. For example, I was dating
this guy and he said to me 'I wouldn't lose any sleep if you weren't
in my life, and then told me to F*** off in a video store.' Yeh, that
relationship didn't last very long.
I was the 'Miranda' (you know, from 'Sex & The City')
where I had a strong opinion and wasn't afraid to voice it and didn't
believe I needed a man to fill a void in my life. Then everything changed.
I met someone. We went on a few really good dates and it was one of
those relationships where you say you are going to go slow but you never
do because you both are too impatient. Those always lasted me about
four months, but surprisingly, seven months later, I'm still happy.
I never thought that I would be where I am now in my relationship
when I first jumped into the relationship pond in February. No one really
thinks about how their life will change. All we can think about is how
into the other person we are and when we will see them next.
My friends constantly tell me how different I am compared
to my single days. Now, apparently I am much calmer, and apparently
much more boring! Which is true to a degree. I used to go out a lot
more. I haven't been to a club in nearly a year, and I prefer to sit
at home with a glass of wine among friends than to worry about how we
are going to get home and how much I'm going to have to fork out on
a taxi. Maybe that's just growing up.
I have based my social life around my partner, too. I
have become one of those people. I know - it sickens me too. We spend
all of the weekend together and go to every social occasion together
and talk on the phone at least three times a day and call to say goodnight.
I haven't seen a few of my friends without my partner since we started
dating, and it worries me that I have lost my identity to them and more
importantly, to myself. Do my friends miss me? Is this normal thinking?
Have I lost a part of who I was or is this just the transition into
a serious relationship?
Relationships are hard to balance that way. People become
one entity in a way and it is a struggle to find that balance between
honouring yourself and who you are, and honouring your relationship
and the other person.
Maybe from now on we should start to think seriously about
what our future might hold with that person and what that could mean
for us, and whether we are ready to take on that commitment.
What is it about our past and present that makes us feel
so safe? No one in the world has a perfect life and our past can be
dotted with painful memories and yet we cling to it for fear that if
we take the leap into a new realm it might crash and burn on top of
us. Maybe if we looked at change in a different light and weren't scared
of it, things wouldn't seem so scary.
When it comes down to it, I'm happy with J. Yes, it's
scary as a 'serious relationship virgin' and there are so many questions
that need answering, but J has been there for me and is a great person
and I don't want to give that up. It would be stupid to throw something
away for fear of it. I guess the point is to acknowledge that your life
is in a process of serious change and try to embrace it instead of being
ignorant about it. Otherwise, how can we grow? Isn't that the point?
Matt Young
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