How To Write A CD Review
The opening sentence must contain the name of the band
and the release - remember to use an interesting adjective to describe
both (keep your thesaurus at hand for this). The second sentence needs
some history of the band, cribbed off the internet, or the band biography.
Don't worry if you feel lazy doing this - all the other reviewers will
do the same. Discuss previous releases, preferably obscure vinyl only
stuff, or b-sides / covers downloaded off the net. This will help you
appear more "in touch" and a bigger fan of the band than those
reading it. Don't forget to write about the scene they're from and their
home country / state / city / suburb. The closer they are to the place
of your publication, the better.
Refer glowingly to the number of people in the group (eg,
if there aren't many they "produce a surprisingly punchy sound
for their lack of members" or if there are loads they "use
the interplay of members with skill and aplomb"). If there are
any women in the group, talk lovingly about their appearance. If there
are any unusual instruments (eg, banjo, theremin, tuba, or ondes martenot
- thank you Radiohead) all the better - refer to how inventive they
sound because of it.
Now you can discuss the music itself. Try to decscribe
their sound in a sentence, if in a rush, use the old "like a cross
between…". Also try to talk about their influences here (this
is code for who they actually sound like). Discuss a few of their non-single
tracks, the louder rockier ones must refer to either guitar solos or
vocal performances. Now you've shown the readers you've listened to
at least one other song other than their single, you can now talk about
the single itself. Describe it as either a breakthrough in music or
it pales into insignificance next to the rest of the album, it doesn't
really matter which, they've already "sold" the track anyway.
Mention where it's getting airplay, PBS, RRR, 4ZZZ, FBi, or other community
radio stations are always the best - they will only make you appear
more hip than you actually think you are.
Don't forget to insert an unreferenced Lester Bangs /
Pitchforkmedia / Greil Marcus quote; you win both ways. Either people
think you write fnatastically, or the pseuds know where you got your
ideas from and are impressed by your library. Discuss their "difficulty"
in transferring their live sound to record, it only makes you look like
a regular gig monster. The final sentence needs to be a half-hearted
attempt to wrap it all up without the benefit of stars (too Rolling
Stone). Settle instead on an exhortation to buy the album, even quote
lyrics from their single.
How To Write A Smarmy "How To Write A CD Review"
Think about what to write about. Hit upon idea of shooting
down other writers. Remember how you wrote your own lazy Friday afternoon
reviews. For more ideas on how to write badly, read other reviews, the
more lower grade publication the better. Read Pitchfork / Lester Bangs
/ Greil Marcus reviews for confirmation of your own considerable ability
and assuage any guilt you might feel. Write draft, or even better type
directly onto computer. Remember to insert the oldest cliches and pass
them off as highly original. When finished, bask in the smug self-satisfaction
of your brilliance while sending to editor. Feel guilty five minutes
later, try to retrieve from publication. Get sneered at by other wannabe
critics as a smartarse. Repeat ad infinitum.
Doyle
